Peppermint Hippo Night
Thank you for the Trannies
Still my fave song in many ways - is now my signature tune, and there is a Youtube video of me singing it at the Talk nightclub in Norwich:
Diane singing - if you can call it that!
I'm nothing special...
In fact, I'ma bit of a bore
If I tell a joke, it prob'ly features a whore
But I have a talent, a wonderful thing,
Cos men start to whistle me when I'm crossdress-ing...
I'm so grateful and proud
All I want, is to pass in a crowd!
So...I...say....
Thank you for the Trannies,
The clothes they're wearing
Thanks for all the joy they're sharing
Who could live without them,
I ask in all honesty...
What would life be...
Without a skirt and high heels, what are we?
So, I say,
Thank you for the Trannies...
For showin' them to me.
Mother says I pinched her lipstick before I could talk
(Mmm....mmm)
She says that I tried on her tights long beforeI could walk...
And I've often wondered, how did it all start,
Where comes that sudden impulse to dress like a TART
And not look like a man...
Well, whoever it was, I think he's called Fran..
[Chorus]
I've...been so lucky...
I am the girl with a choice of hair!
I wanna sing it out to everybody...
What a choice... what a life... what a DARE!!!
[Chorus and repeat last line]
Back to the top...
The Abba Classic - a dance classic, and you can poledance to it as well! Yes you can!!!
I've never sung this one but the original is so cool, you can still feel the fresh power of surfing as the youngsters of the
beaches in the early 1970's felt it...here's my take on it!
If everybody was a tranny,
Back to the top...
FOr those of you who don't know it, the Campanile is the (in)famous motel opposite Pink Punters Nightclub in Milton Keynes
where they have a special tranny annexe...
There is a house in Milton Keynes
Yeah, this one got some laughs...
"Essex Girl" - if your name's Tracy and you're from Essex please excuse the blatant stereotyping!! (rewrite with the name "Sharon", although "Come on Sharon let's go party" just doesn't sound as good...)
The immortal No.1 Karaoke smash hit - reworked...
aka ON NEARLY BEING APPREHENDED IN THE LADIES LOO IN a department store in Norwich
When I was 13
Well girls, in these times of credit crunch there are several ways an enterprising tgirl can still look good. Of course, most of your boots, heels, stockings and dresses etc will still come from ebay, the golden land of trannyness, but what about all those little accessories? In Accessorize, it costs an arm and a leg to put something on an arm or a leg.
Well of course chazzer shops are great, but there’s an awful lot of them to find and an awful lot of them are awfully full of pretty awful clothes. Bargain hunting in them is fun and the prices are often a steal but hey, it’s too little, too little often (keep an eye on them, though). Primark is great although don’t expect their stuff to be marvellously robust, after all you wouldn’t expect it be at those daft prices.
So here are my tried-and-tested ways around life’s little t-problems.
Method 1 – Track a Tart – Underwear from Everywhere
First off, there’s the one that makes everybody squirm – the ‘Track a Tart’ method. This is actually very beneficial for you as it keeps you incredibly fit. This is very simple – all you need to do is to become a keen walker in the vicinity of a large town or city, always within easy reach of a road. You roam around small copses and wooded areas near road junctions, dead ends made when bypasses or motorways were driven through, secluded lay-bys and anywhere that looks as if it might conceal a tranny meeting den. You are bound to find discarded underwear - don’t be squeamish, this is how you afford that next pair of heels – and get it in the washing machine on full power. A couple of times, if it makes you feel better.
Also, get to know where your local lovers’ lane is and peruse it regularly on Sunday mornings. You will find discarded female clothes and underwear (genuine, this time) and the same applies again. Been damaged, ripped off in insensate lust by some fumbling teenage hooligan? No problem. Get a needle and thread. Hey Prestarama! (Remember to at least double sew every line of stitches for strength, keep the stitches small and go over the ends loads of times).
Actually folks, seriously, if you really don't fancy the underwear - and I can understand that - then still use this tip to look for other things, because you'll be amazed what gets chucked in hedges - perfectly good belts, scarves, goodness knows what. Just remember to wash them all well first.
Method 2 – The moveable wig
Second, there is the ‘B and Q’ (i.e do it yourself) approach to trannying (I’m not going to suggest other things those initials could stand for, I am sure you could think of your own). A wig, say, that really does look better half way back on your head, is a dead ringer for your hair tone BUT KEEPS FALLING OFF no matter how many pins you stick in it… sellotape? Don’t even go there… OK, no problem. Get a black alice band or alice band near to your wig colour (£1 from Primark) and some matching thread. Tie the front of the wig onto and over your Alice band (make sure it is one with the little nodules underneath as it can keep your real front hair scraped back) so that the band is invisible… now you have a wig that will not move when you dance (or whatever else you get up to). Neat, Huh? If you don’t sew – learn. Fast. See the next one.
Method 3 - Sewing the shoes
Sewing is how that dress that is too tight can be made to fit! I have taken in a catsuit that was too big, let out dresses that were too small…a needle and thread and patience are the tgirl’s best friends. If you stab yourself a lot, get a large plaster or bandage and wrap it around your right thumb.
Sewing is also how you can get size 8 shoes on. Remember that most women’s mainstream shoes only go up to 8. You’ll have a hard time finding 9’s anywhere, let alone anything bigger, without going to specialist shops that will charge the Earth, because they know they can. Also you are open to Tranny-Tatt shoe shops on ebay, who will charge high prices for high heels – and another thing; such shoes, even if well made, are designed for drag queens and the like, and usually have heels as steep as the price tags. Sensible, smart, moderately sexy 3 inch heels are a rarity in size 9 and above. Forget even trying to get them in a particular colour anytime this year.
Here’s the method; if using sandals, cut the tightest straps, near their base. If heels with covered toes, cut down the inside of the foot toward the toe, about an inch or two. You’ll be amazed – people simply do not notice. You may get away with sellotaping the inside of the closed shoe toe, obviously for sandal heels you will have to use the sew method. With this method make sure you sew as follows:
For the sandals, sew about 1cm of thread between the ‘stump’ of the amputated strap and the end of the strap. Leave this loose and repeatedly sew 1cm back and forth, as if you are sewing a strap ‘extension’. After about 20 odd passes, this should be strong enough to hold your foot even if you slip over.
Size Eight’s can be a squeeze for those of us with size 10-11 feet, but remember – size 8’s look natural because they are still (just) in women’s natural foot range. Size 12 heels look f**king ridiculous and f**king obvious too – if you can possibly get in eights then do so. Obviously I wouldn’t recommend this for tgirls who want to live as women most of the time – but then, try flip flops in summer, and size 9 boots in winter – for some reason most boots like much better than shoes in large sizes and if you wear flat boots, or Ugg boots, you will probably carry it off. All the same – try for 9’s if you can rather than anything larger.
A last tip – if you use your foot as a ‘last’ – i.e. you wear them often – soft suede boots can be stretched over time!
Method 4 - The Magically expanding Bracelet
Clip bracelets that open up, are the obvious answer… but if you can’t find any, try this idea.
Now, how many of you have BIG HANDS and, when you try to buy bracelets in Primark or elsewhere, they are TOO SMALL??!!! Yep, a bummer , I know. DON’T try squeezing over raw knuckles, or even using soap to assist. Here’s what to do.
Make sure you buy chunky, heavy duty bracelets in strong plastic – any colour. Now you need those man skills you are so ashamed of possessing! Reach for your saw, the really sharp one, and if you haven’t got one, GET ONE – every self-respecting independent woman has a ratchet screwdriver, a power drill and a good saw (my mum has) – no excuses.
OK, get the bracelet in a vice (errr. No workbench or vice? Get a G clamp from Focus and attach it to a worktop…. Come on, you’re a guy, why am I telling you this!)
Now, saw through the narrowest part (if there is one) of the bracelet and, and then stretch the bracelet by clipping it onto the edge of a piece of board or chipboard furniture (IKEA furniture is best for this) and leaving it there for as long as you can, preferably some weeks. You’ll find that even after ten minutes, the bracelet will have stretched and you should now be able to get it on (and the bracelet). It may look odd BUT you can always turn the cut part away from view (that’s why I said use the narrowest part).
Method 5 – Here’s one I sucked earlier
Blue Peter jewellery is the Heather Robinson answer to no money for extras. I wouldn’t suggest milk bottle tops BUT milk carton tops, from Tesco’s, can be collected and painted with glittery/silvery colours or nail varnish. Yep, sounds so unbelievably crap but with some care and attention you can make stunning and striking jewellery from milk carton tops with some creative paintwork. Make small holes in the sides and you can join them together. Bracelets can be made from loo roll, again either use silver/gold paper (overbuy cheap wrapping paper in the post xmas sales)…suck cherry flavour tunes or cherry menthol sweets for about 20 seconds then stick them on to make retro 70’s bracelets – if anyone says, ‘your jewellery sucks’ you could detach a tune and pop it into your mouth to prove the point. Here’s one I sucked earlier. Oh, now that sounds like a friend of mine greeting acquaintances at our last tranny convention…
Santa’s gone, long live the tranny…. Yep, one of the best places to get stuff to make fab fake jewellery is in the post Christmas ‘let’s sell off last year’s decorations’ sort of sales. QD stores, anywhere cheap and cheerful – get baubles and bits no one wants and you may be able to rustle something up. HANDY HINT avoid anything that looks like an obvious Christmas decoration! You’re looking for fairly small things that can be made into much larger things. Use string or bootlaces as a base and then glue/twine on shiny pieces of glass, bauble, festive golden twig or whatever and create your very own confection! Obviously craft shops are good too BUT you are more than likely to end up paying just as much for the bits to make a necklace and you still have to design it and make it.
Method 6 - corset sorts it
OK, you;ve bought a dress off ebay. Wow! it's a stunner. You did well getting that for £15! Reckon it was worth about £150 and the previous owner just wanted rid. For once, we weren't dealing with those dodgy little 'buy it now' shops that sell tatt. This is a one off, one of those few gems that ebay can throw out now and again. Well done!
Oh fuck. It's come through the post unscathed, you strip off, try it on and...
It's too small. Or rather, the waist is. And the label says 14! Aaargh!
Not to panic. Get down to your nearest posh dept store (yes, I said posh) and buy some matching ribbon. Ask if necessary - it may take some finding. Get a few metres of the stuff, say 6.
Pierce holes either side of the back, if it's z ip-up dress - and these bits will be reinforced anyhow to take the zip. If it isn't, then cut it neatly down the back to the waist line, and then pierce your holes. You want two lines either side, like a shoe - and yes, you can then make a Corset back in about 30 mins! Just feed the ribbon in through the top holes first (remember, don;t make my mistake - you don't need two separate knots to start, you can use the centre section of a single ribbon and then tie just like a shoelace).
Hey Priscilla - dress adapted and sexier too. (Warning - You might find it a struggle to get on and off).
Conclusion
Watchwords for the HR tranny are: resourcefulness, adaptability, and never throwing useless items away. You never know what you might be able to reuse! The upside – aside from saving money – is the reward of doing something original, in your own way, and that may be tailored to your particular body/way of doing things.
Remember: 95% of products available to us tgirls are either (a) designed specifically for women or (b) knowingly designed for nervous tgirls who the manufacturers know will be scared to ask for refunds or rights and care little for actually tailoring their products to men who want to dress as women despite often being built differently… we’ve all done it. Don’t think you have to have a wig that goes over the front of your head if your head is abnormally wide and that just looks silly! Modify – or maybe just use your own hair, but washed with super full-body conditioner – then fluff it up with strong gel and your hands. Short hair is OK on a tgirl in fact, like jeans, it can be a disguiser provided the rest of you looks feminine. They do say if you are going to tell a lie, stick as closely as possible to the truth!
Lastly, see if you can come up with a genuine Heather Robinson idea of your own that costs nothing at all and email it to me at dianepaige@ymail.com… now that is a challenge!!
HR (Diane Paige) 2009
Gimme Gimme Gimme
GIMME GIMME GIMME a man after Midnight
Half past twelve…
Well I’m wearing a clubdress
In my flat all alone,
How I hate to spend the evening on my own!
In - full - make – up,
I smooth down my stockings as I walk around the room
And it makes me so depressed to see the room…
There’s not a soul out there… No one to hear my prayer….
Gimme Gimme Gimme a man after midnight
I’m bored I’m dressed I’m horny what’s the problem with that
Gimme Gimme Gimme a man after midnight
I want something to fondle and I don’t mean the cat
Mo - vie Stars!
It’s the end of Pretty Woman, Richard Gere has given in
It’s so different from the world I’m livin’ in
Bored - with – web - cam,
I open the window and I gaze into the night,
But there’s nothing there to see, but Yarmouth lights…
There’s not a soul out there… Along the river Yare…. Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Gimme Gimme Gimme a man after midnight
(high voice) I’m playing with my dic..taphone to practise my voice
Gimme Gimme Gimme a man after midnight
Why not try a tgirl – (shouts) what you waiting for, boys?!
Instrumental
There’s not a soul out there… No one to hear my prayer….
Gimme Gimme Gimme a man after midnight
I’ll just check my facebook then I’ll play with some toys…
Gimme Gimme Gimme a man after midnight
You should love a tgirl you’ll be spoilt for choice!
Gimme Gimme Gimme a man after midnight
Won’t somebody help me chase the perverts away
Gimme Gimme Gimme I’m tran after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day!
Back to the top...
Trannying UK
Across the whole UK,
Then everybody’d be dressin’
Like Eastern Angli-a (ay!)
Youd see-em wearing their falsies,
And Evans Sandals too…
A bushy kinky blonde wig do,
Trannying UK!
You’d catch em dressin in Scotland,
Across the hills of Wales,
Down in the backstreets of Walsall,
And in the Derby Dales;
All over North Devon,
And Wolverhampton way,
Cos everybodys out dressin,
Trannying UK!
Well all be planning that party,
We’re gonna go real soon…
We’re waxing legs and midriffs,
We just can’t wait for June (subtle!)
We’ll all be gone to the Sparkle,
We’re gonna tranny all day…
Tell our girlfriends we’re dressin,
Trannying UK…
A New Look dress in lame,
Terrific pair of shades,
Killer heels in violet
A cocktail dress in jade,
All over home counties
And up in Galloway…
Everybodys out dressin,
Trannying UK!
Cos everybodys out dressin,
Trannying UK!
House of the Rising Sun (The Ballad of the Fenny Stratford Motel)
They call the Campanile
It’s been the playground of many a girl
And God I know, it’s real
My mother would be horrified
She’d freak and go unreal
My father would have died of shame
To see me in high heels
Now the only thing a tranny needs
Is some KY and a dress
And the only time she’s satisfied
Is when she’s f***ed senseless
Oh trannies tell your sisters
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in sin and lechery
Calling all girls ‘hun xxx’
Well, I had one foot on the table
The other on the window pane
I’m going back down the old A5
To wear that bondage chain
Well, there is a house in Milton Keynes
They call the Campanile
It’s been the playground of many a girl
And God I know, it’s real…
Essex Girl
K: Hi Tracy…
B: Hi Kevin!
K: Do you wanna go for a ride?
B: Sure Kevin!
K: Jump on, I mean, jump in…
B: I'm an Essex girl, in an Essex world
5 inch heels and Lipstick – needs a big dick
Kitchen floor or chair, you can screw me anywhere
- working class bitch, horny little ditch bitch
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: I'm an Essex girl, in the Essex world
5 inch heels and Lipstick – I like a big dick
You can lay me bare, undress me anywhere
- working class bitch, horny little ditch bitch
B: I'm a blond bimbo girl, from down Colchester way
Dress me up, make it tight, make it kinky
K: You're my doll, rock'n'roll, like your ass dressed in pink,
kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky...(she slaps his hand)
B: You can touch, you can play, you can treat me like a whore…
(uu-oooh-u)
I'm an Essex girl, in an Essex world
Dancing round my handbag, - I wanna good shag
You can lay me bare, and screw me everywhere
- working class bitch, horny little ditch bitch
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (uu-oooh-u)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (uu-oooh-u)
B:Make me scream, make me come, do whatever you please
I can dance on a pole, or give head on my knees
K:Come jump on, bimbo friend, let us do it again,
hit the town, fool around, let's go party
B:You can touch, you can play, you can treat me like a whore!
You can touch, you can play, you can treat me like a whore! (If you pay enough)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (uu-oooh-u)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (uu-oooh-u)
I'm an Essex girl, in the Essex world
5” heels and Lipstick, - likes a big dick
You can lay me bare, and screw me everywhere
- working class bitch, horny little ditch bitch
I'm an Essex girl, in the Essex world
5” heels and Lipstick, needs a big dick
Kitchen floor or chair, you can screw me anywhere
- working class bitch, horny little ditch bitch
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (uu-oooh-u)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
K: Come on Tracy, let's go party!
B: (uu-oooh-u)
B: Oh, I'm having so much sex!
K: Well Tracy, we're just getting started
B: Oh, I love you Kevin……!
I will survive
I was petrified
The whole world seemed all against me,
No-one on my side
Now I spend so much on tights
And all my family think it’s wrong,
But I grew strong
And I learned how to carry on
And now I’m back
So watch this space
I’ve just walked in, in heels and stockings
With Rimmel makeup on my face
I worked to change that stupid look
It took such time and pain from me
And now I know for all my life
Those witches just can’t bother me!
So go on go, Walk out the door,
Take your prejudice and hurt
That you’re not pretty anymore
Weren’t you the ones who called the manager,
so sly!
You think I’d crumble, or apologise,
Or just lay down and die?
Oh no, not I!
I will survive!
As long as I have sexy legs
Then I will dance and jive
People try to give me stress
If they don’t like the way I dress
But I’ll survive,
I will survive!
It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to find that look
That makes you NOT a tart
And I spent oh so many hours
Browsing ebay without hope
I used to cry…
But now I hitch my skirt up high!
And you see me
Somebody new
(I’m sometimes chained up in the bedroom
But then that’s nothing new)
And so you felt like dobbing me
You say I have no right to pee
Now I’m saving all my dressing
For a f**king big party!
Heather Robinson’s economical Tranny tips by Diane Paige
(To spell it out – a tgirl version of Heath Robinson)